On trial

So here I sit in a bed that’s not my own, in a house that’s not my own, in a state that once again, is not my own. I feel so very out of place right now and more uncomfortable then I have been in a long time. The worst part of it all though is that I knew this was exactly how I was going to feel getting in to all of this.

Once I had made the decision to actually spend Thanksgiving with Corinne’s family in California, I started the mental preparations that I think most guys would when faced with the prospect of having to spend a whole week with their girlfriend’s family. The added bonus is that I also have a pretty good idea of what they actually think of me, and I am pretty sure it’s not good. Its a hard thing to try and present your self to someone as a responsible, intelligent, well mannered person when your list of interests include video games, friends, fantasy novels and parties. Someone who doesn’t believe in a God or after life. One who doesn’t have a definite career path, or any real higher education to show. But is that really MY job to do? Aren’t we suppose to read the book, not the cover?

I like to think of myself as a fairly well rounded guy. Life hasn’t just been a ride for me, as it’s not for most people, but I sometimes think I have had more then my fair share of down with out a lot of up to show for it. The strength I find in this is through my perseverance. I have had some great opportunities in life that didn’t pan out in the end. Some jobs that I thought would go the distance but didn’t. People in my life who I thought I could keep forever, but sadly, I lost. It’s all how we rebound in these troubled instances that show our worth, right? I only hope that one would look at the effort and not just the results in the end.

I found myself this evening confronted by Corinne’s Grandmother in the hallway of her multi-million dollar castle estate being questioned about various parts of my life, and felt very inadequate all of a sudden. I somehow felt like because I was here, and accompanying her grand daughter over this “family” holiday, that I should have more to say, more to SHOW for my life. I guess I didn’t want to go away from here in a week and leave them with the feeling that Corinne is in poor care, with someone who doesn’t deserve her.

The part I found really funny was that as she was going about asking me her question concerning my life, there was always a comment concerning someone else who she is acquainted with who was doing it better, or already found their success. Then she would end it all with advice on how I should continue. Now please note that I am attempting to do all of this literally fifteen minutes after I had gotten out of the car from my twelve to thirteen hour drive from Salt Lake. I felt zombified, but I was questioned none the less. I wanted so badly to do my best to impress! To put my best foot forward and at least make a good showing for myself and the way I had been raised. I was so tired though, with a soar back, and stomach ache to boot. So here I am, scruffy looking, standing there in my Starcraft II hoodie and Blizzard beanie in front of this woman who knows nothing about my culture or interests, trying to sound like I’m not a total waist.

I want to believe that all of this will end up being a positive experience, and that I will go away from here feeling good about the whole event. That I was well received and like by her family and that I would be a welcome addition to the clan. So why am I feeling so much unease about it? Why can’t I just accept the results no matter what they may be? I know that Corinne loves me, so why isn’t that good enough? Why do I feel like I need to earn these other peoples love and approval before it will be enough? Is it because I want to marry her, and that if I don’t gain their favor now that I will have to spend the rest of my life in a power struggle with them? Or am I trying to prove something to Corinne? Maybe it’s both…

Whatever it is, I am here, and I am going to give it my best shot.